He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
