You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
