I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I need water and some morals
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
