Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
