I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
