if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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