both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
