I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I AM VODKA MAN
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
