Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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