how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
