last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
