I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
