I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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