My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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