So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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