Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i was born a porn star she said
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
