i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
