tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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