Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
