If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
vagina is talking i cant
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
