Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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