I just threw up on my dentist
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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