she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
