I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
