I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
