can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize
