Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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