so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
