I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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