Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
