You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
