I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
