idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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