Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
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