I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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