Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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