Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
