The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
