You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
