Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
