Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
