So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
