I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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