can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
