I can feel you judging me through the phone.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
