Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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