Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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