I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
