Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize