ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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