Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Randomize
