birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
