i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
