The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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