Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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