she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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